Episode 100: Pursuing Courageous Vulnerability with Justin Brien

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Welcome back to the 100th episode of pursuing uncomfortable. Today we are joined by the incredible Justin Brien. Justin is an advocate, a speaker and a transformational coach and an author. Justin's journey is one of immense courage, vulnerability, and ultimately triumph. From battling self-esteem issues as a child to struggling with substance abuse and mental health challenges as a young adult, Justin's story is a testament to the power of resilience and self discovery. Friend, we go deep into this episode into Justin's experiences. He talks about his rock bottom, his lowest point, and how he was able to overcome that suffering and found the strength to pursue a path of healing and growth. His story is going to inspire you so let's jump in.

Melissa: 1:20

Hey, Justin, welcome to the Pursuing and Comfortable podcast. How are you today?

Justin: 1:25

I'm doing very well. Thank you so much for having me on your show.

Melissa: 1:29

My pleasure. Tell us where you're zooming in from.

Justin: 1:32

I'm going all the way from San Leonard, British Columbia, Canada. Cool.

Melissa: 1:38

That's far west, correct?

Justin: 1:40

Yeah, it's about five hours from Vancouver. If anybody doesn't know their geography of Canada, I'm right near the Pacific Ocean.

Melissa: 1:47

Awesome. Well, thanks for coming in today to talk with us. And can you tell us a little bit about who you are and what

Justin: 1:55

you do? Oh, well, my name is Justin Bryan, I'm a mental health advocate. I'm a speaker, a transformational coach, and I'm an author now of an Amazon bestseller, Chasing Shadows, Fighting the Monster Within. Congratulations on that. Yeah, thank you very much. It was, uh, you know, it was a long time coming. I didn't, you know, if you were to tell me I was going to write a book, I wouldn't have believed you. But I definitely wouldn't have believed that I would have written a book on the topic of mental health, substance use, suicide, personal development, and learning lessons. You know, I

Melissa: 2:32

took a quick peek at your website and when I say I took a quick peek, I mean, I cyberstopped you because that's what I do. Fair enough. You have a lot of tremendous programs. You've helped a lot of people. You've spoken at a lot of events. You travel around and speak to schools and all that. But it didn't start there. You have quite a story about how you got where you were.

Justin: 2:57

Yeah, no, it was, uh, it's been quite the journey. One that, um, I, I believe I'm blessed to have. You know, I wouldn't change any of it. I would definitely change some of the decisions and actions that I've made, for sure. However, you know, I wouldn't change any of those dark days, lonely nights. Because now I get to do what I get to do. Um, and that's serving other people. It's helping people who have passed their, you know, suffering beliefs. And really creating that imagined future that they want, but also allowing them to do it themselves, finding within themselves and take that direction a little further. I also get to help people with their mental health. I'm not a counselor. But I can teach them coping mechanisms that there's more to life. Then just being sad all the time, you know, that there is help out there and that they're all lower. My journey started off as a kid. I battled self esteem, self worth, self confidence. And I didn't know what those things were back then, right? I was young. Um, you know, I had a family that loves me. I was athletic. I had people that like me, but you know, I didn't like, I was always comparing myself to other people. And I don't, I wanted to be everybody else, but me. I grew later than everybody else. And, uh, that, uh, so I was smaller than everybody. That was a little tough for me. Um, actually at one point, I would phone my buddy, and if no one else was on the phone, I'd be like, Calvin, is that a Justin or a girl on the phone? She'd be like, I can't hear you. Or I can hear you. Or I can hear her. Calvin's not here. She'd start to get down on my knees, and I'd pray to be bigger, I'd pray to be stronger, I'd pray to be faster. But I also prayed to be normal and I prayed to be normal because I didn't know what to do with those insecurities that I had. So what did I do with those insecurities? Well, I grabbed an imaginary bag and I put it in that little self esteem, little self worth, little self confidence and I zipped it back up and I put it on my back and I went through GI school, through elementary, sorry, in high school. When that bag started to get heavy, I took it off and I opened it up. But instead of unpacking that, I started to put guilt, shame, anger, depression, suicide. Drugs and alcohols that I bang and I put on my back and I just kept on walking. Bye. By the time I was 21, I was drinking almost every single day. And, uh, by the time I was 24, I was basically a full blown alcoholic, where one time I had a bartender come up to me and asked me, he says, Justin, do you think you drink too much? And I looked at him and I brushed him off cause I didn't listen to anybody. And I said, there's no way I drink too much. You know, I'm young. I like to have fun. I mean, it's a big beautiful city at that time. I was living in Vancouver. I mean, it's, it's right on the ocean. There's a map, there's amazing nightlights there. Right? And I'm a young kid. I was 24 years old living the life. There's no way I drink too much. So I did what I did every single night. I would, I closed up that bar within 15, 20 minutes. I got out for power half hour, power hour, got as drunk as I could at the, at the club. You know, started walking home and on the way home, I'd always fill up dial up bottles, so I can have more alcohol delivered to my house when I got there. With this sign. As I was walking across County Street Bridge in Vancouver, a thought rings through my head and it was his voice saying, Justin, you drink too much. And I stopped and I said, there's no way I drink too much. I'm young, I like to have fun, I'm in this big, beautiful city and I'm a bartender. So I took a cup of beer. You normalized it. Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, that's what people do with alcohol and substances is they find reasons to drink, reasons to not give up drinking or using the substance. So I ended up taking a couple more steps and then my voice rang through my head and says, Justin, are you an alcoholic? Well, I actually said this word for word. There's no way I'm an alcoholic. I go to work. I pay my bills. I'm not a lowlife. And I am too smart to be an alcoholic. I was so smart in fact that I graduated that year from alcohol abuse to drug abuse. At 24 years old, I did cocaine for the very first time and I didn't remember doing it. So I phoned up my buddy and he told me what happened. And I was like, oh man. Okay, and then said something to me that you probably shouldn't say to a person with my mindset, and he was like, man, you were funny last night. Well, all right, and then there it clicked. You know, I have alcohol for confidence. I have drugs to be funny. You know, I got this super special power now that I just have one shot of this and one shot of that, and then I'm super Justin, right? Well, I can tell you I was the only one that thought I was Super Justin. If you fast forward six months down the road, I end up moving back home to Salmon Arm, a small community, and I start managing the nightclub. I had to get a ride home one night because I lost my license for drinking and driving. On the way home, me and my buddy started talking about the topic of depression, to where I looked at him and I said, yes, depression's for the weak. Depression is an excuse. You got a man at work and you got to pay your bills. Now, I don't know why I said it back then, but I definitely know why I said it now is because I was trying to look stronger on the outside than what I was trying to, what I felt on the inside because I still had that feeling of less than. So now at 24 years old, I have two major problems. I have substance abuse and my mental health. At 24 years old, I'm ignoring two major problems, my substance abuse and my mental health. And I took that with me until about four years later, I was 28 years old, finally admitted to myself, okay, Justin, you need help. You are depressed, you abuse substances, drugs and alcohol, so you need to get help. So 20NF, I asked for help, but when I asked for help, it actually started my suicidal thoughts for six years. How does six years every day, I asked myself, Dustin, you gonna make it, man? Thanks. Are you going to make it to see your son, you know, score his first goal in hockey? Are you going to make it to see him graduate? Are you going to make it to teach him how to ride a bike? And the answer inevitably every single time was no. You know, I couldn't picture myself in his future. And I couldn't. Picture that because the way I felt and the way I just, I kept using every time I tried to quit. Now, when I had my son, I just got out of rehab. I was clean for about two months and I started drinking again. And then six months after that, my girlfriend had to make the toughest decision of her life for me to get my son and leave me at my lowest point. So here I had my, I only got to see my son twice a week for four hours at a time for a court order. And I couldn't drive with him in my car. So my, I just started to deteriorate. No, I was just messing up life. I was I'm going to leave the absence from work. So my suicidal thoughts started to get more and more and more to where I actually thought he would be better off without me. So I ended up becoming an organ donor, couldn't melt thistle from my liver and kidney flesh because I was actually repairing my body to, you know, give to someone that I thought, I believe, truly deserved it. I'm like, well, Justin, you're smart, athletic, funny, people like you. You're wasting your talent. Just wasting away into someone out there that can really use art, really use a set of lungs. Plus, getting ready to, to don't embody, you know, around that time I started to listen to motivational speaking. Can we pause there? Can we pause there? Can we pause

Melissa: 9:56

there? Real quick. To think that your body, the embodiment of your own spirit would be better off with someone else than yourself. You couldn't see you were a viable recipient of that. That is a, a big, big red flag. Point in your life

Justin: 10:17

a big low point. Yeah, it was it was, you know, I remember walking into the DMV to That's where you had to become an organ donor. Um, yeah, it's looking at the lady and saying I want to be an organ donor and she just had a smile on her face. She's like, oh good for you You know, it's really good to hear and I'm just sitting there thinking I'm like if you only really knew And then I just walked out and it's just, that's how I truly felt about myself. I thought I was wasting my God given talent, what God gave me, I thought I was wasting it. So finally, I actually started listening to motivational speaking and it started talking about find your why, find your why. So I started to ask myself, Justin, well, what is your why? What is your why that's going to drive you and motivate you to get better? What is your why that's going to pick you up when you fall down? So I started to reframe my thoughts and look at that little boy again and I said, okay, I want instead of, you know... Ending history is a better day. Well, what if I'd be better so I could become that dad? You know, if I get better for him, I get better for me. And if I get better for me, I actually help other people. So with that, I made my son my why I made him my anchor. Now, a lot of people are going to say, Hey, you got to do it for yourself. Yes, you should do it for yourself. However, for a lot of guys that I went to rehab with people like me, myself included, we couldn't do it for ourselves. So we had to find a reason. And my reason was my son. Now, the thing about that is, is when you, I made my son my why, it still came back on me. I got better for him, but I got ultimately better for me. That was a whole dang goal. So whatever you get better for, it's going to come back on you. Now it's better when you can do it for yourself. Now I can do it for myself. Now I can see that I'm worth it, right? So I can do that for myself. But with that, I went back to rehab again and I did all my stuff, studying courses and They started to teach us things like gratitude. Um, reminding yourself what you're grateful for every day, you know, doing it consistently, journaling, getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. One of the biggest things I learned besides, you know, diet and exercise is the power of acceptance and forgiveness. Acceptance and forgiveness is actually for you. Now there are gonna be times in your life where people are gonna hurt you, an event is gonna happen, maybe someone passes away unexpectedly, and you actually might even be mad at God, right? And it's hard to get past that. But the way to get past it is you have to accept it. And you have to accept it because it truly happened. Now, that doesn't mean you don't have to like it, but you have to accept it so you can forgive it. And you have to forgive it so you can move on. Now, when it comes to the people that hurt you, you don't have to forgive them to their face. You don't, they don't even have to know about it, but we did a visualization thing in rehab where we sat down, closed our eyes, and our instructor talked, and he said, picture someone that hurt you. And I was like, no, talk to them, tell them how they hurt you, and I would forgive them. And I actually started to cry, right? And that really helps. And I had to realize during that conversation that I was having in my head, in that visualization, that I was to blame too. I, I had a friend tell me that you are 100% responsible for 50% of your relationships. So I started to realize, you know, I'm putting all this anger towards that person and I'm not taking responsibility for my part of it. Right?

Devon: 14:05

Hi, I want to take a quick moment and tell you about my mom. She's an amazing mom and an amazing podcast host, isn't she? She's also amazing at helping people to understand and manage anxiety and to build a strong spiritual practice. She has online courses, books, and a lot of free resources and downloads to help you live an amazing life. So please check out lightlifeandloveministries. com and her YouTube channel. The links are in the show notes.

Melissa: 14:32

Were you able to forgive yourself then?

Justin: 14:35

I have. Yeah, I did. It was about eight months ago to completely accept and forgive myself. It's been a process of accepting some of the things I've done. But to completely forgive myself, it was probably about eight months ago. So it's been quite a journey then. Oh yeah, absolutely. No, and so that's one of the things I was going to say is that there's going to be times in your life where that thing that you're going to have to accept is something you did and that person you're going to have to forgive is yourself. And for me, that was... The longest, longest part of it was, it was forgiving myself and realizing that I'm not perfect. Nobody will ever be perfect. I'm a human, but I made mistakes. Now I can hope others forgive me as well, but it took me quite a while to do that as well. Um, but then I got out of rehab and I started working again and. I was doing good, but then two months later, the pink cloud hits and it's, I've stopped doing my coping mechanism. I've stopped going to counseling. I'm going to stop taking my medication. All of a sudden one day I had my son and I was like, okay, I gave it to my mom. I'm like, mom, I, I can't right now. I couldn't deal with them. You know, it was just sitting there quiet, we're watching a movie, but my thoughts, I couldn't, um, contain them there. I was, I was mad, I was irritable, I was angry, I was depressed, I was lonely, I was suicidal. Now, when you don't get help for your mental health, you're going to have a hard time regulating your emotions, right? And you're going to go through this plethora of feelings and you're not going to be able to control it. You're going to be angry, then all of a sudden you can be sad, then you can be mad, then you can be happy. So I couldn't deal with it, so I gave it to my son and I started drinking again. And finally, on January 1st, I don't remember doing this, I quit my job, I told my boss, I don't remember, I was drunk in the morning, and I quit my job, and then it came to me, I'm like, oh man, so I was like, you know what, whatever, just keep drinking. And then I woke up, I came to on the morning of January 4th, 2019 and I'm sitting in my basement suite alone and looking around at, uh, the picture of my kid on my, on TV stands and all that. I'm looking at his toys and I'm looking at his hockey stick in the left and I'm just like, Justin, you have two choices. You can get help or you can end it. One of the things that I started to picture was my son growing up without his biological father and being teased and all that. You know, it might sound weird for other people, but for me, that kind of, that, that's what I had to do. Right. So I phoned my mom and I got her to come pick me up. I said, mom, you need to take me to the hospital. With that, she took me to the hospital and with my dad to my left of me and my mom in front of me and a counselor to my right, I finally admitted those words out loud that if I was going to continue to feel the way that I did, that I had a plan and that plan was to end it. Once I said that, weight got lifted off my shoulders. And, well, 30% of it anyways, not all of it, but it felt great to say that. And they let me go home with my mom that day cause I was living underneath her. And from that day on, I've been sober ever since. I'm almost coming up on my five year anniversary. Um, I went back to school to be a speaker, to be a coach, to help people with, you know, mental health. Um, no, not in the counseling realm, but I also go back together with my ex. Three years after and we have a beautiful baby girl now too, and I got to see my son score his first goal in hockey.

Melissa: 18:24

Awesome. Awesome, and I bet he looked up at his dad when he did.

Justin: 18:28

He was pretty pumped. Yeah,

Melissa: 18:33

so Justin you were sitting there with your son watching this movie and all of these things were going through your mind. It was a really dark point for you with your mental health. And I can't help but think, man, and your why is right there next to you. And it's just magnifying all of those things. How can you have those feelings and be sitting right next to your why? There's no question you had to find a way out of that for a moment. That would have been tremendous. Pressure for you.

Justin: 19:08

Yeah, it was tough is I stopped doing my coping mechanisms, right? Mm-hmm. I stopped getting the help that I needed. You know, depression isn't your, or your mental health. He's in a one-way street, you know? What is it? No, Spencer, he said, oh, I forget that quote. He has, but it's something like, it's, it's not about, the destination is about how you drive. I know I'll, I still struggle with anxiety a bit, you know, I can still get sad and knocked down and can, right. But I still have a counselor and I reach out my hand when I need to. But at that point I stopped seeing a counselor. I stopped taking my medication. I stopped my journaling. I stopped doing everything that I needed to do. And I didn't remind myself of my why. I thought I would go back into that mindset again of. You know what, maybe he's better off without me. He's better off without me. Even though I'm, he is the reason I should be alive. I went back and got that negative internal dialogue again. I started to believe the things that I was telling myself. You know, that your internal dialogue can make or break you. I mean, and the thing about that is, is that your thoughts aren't facts. But we can tend to believe them, even if we know they're not true. So we got a question all starts saying, is this true? Is it absolutely true? You know, how would I feel if I didn't have that thought? My friend had that thought. What would I say to them? Could I say it to myself? But I couldn't decipher that. I just believed everything I said about myself. And I would actually, I would, I would implant a conversation into a friend's head of mine of what they thought about.

Melissa: 21:01

I know exactly what you're saying, and I think a lot of people might understand that too. They have no idea that they had this conversation with you, but you had the full conversation with them in your house. How

Justin: 21:11

often have you been sitting at home and you're, you're, you may be disappointing yourself. So you're like, Oh, well that person's probably disappointing you. And now all of a sudden you're having this imaginary conversation with how they feel about your actions and what you're doing in life. And then I started to do that. So I'm like, well, then it must be true. Even though nothing was said, we turn our thoughts into beliefs and then our beliefs become our truths and then our truths start to control our actions. So then I started to drink again because that was my peace. That was my solace. That was my escape. That was the way that I found. Love. Can

Melissa: 21:49

you tell us about the moment when you finally forgave

Justin: 21:52

yourself? Well that was after a counseling session and he's just like, can you do anything about it? And then we had a conversation like with somebody sitting in a, I imagine a person sitting in a chair and I was just like, you know, those times it just clicks and I was just like, okay, there's nothing I can do. And now I don't necessarily like it when people say, Hey, that, that wasn't me because it was you. But it's a version of you that. It doesn't exist anymore and that was a version of me that didn't exist and it was an intoxicated version of me. And this, so I don't ever say that, you know, that wasn't me because it was me. I didn't, but I know that in different circumstances it would have been different. Some of the things that I've done and there's only way that I'm going to be able to live a life I want to live. I'm going to have to fully accept and forgive myself and then hope that other people do as well. And we kind of saw like a. Uh, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Well, the truth of

Melissa: 23:04

it is, as broken as that person was, as deep in darkness as that person was, that person still made choices that got you through to where you are today.

Justin: 23:15

Yeah. And I'm sorry. And I wouldn't, like I said, I wouldn't change the dark days or lonely nights because I actually, it made me who I am today and helps me to do what I do. I think with

Melissa: 23:27

people that struggle with forgiving themselves. Um, it's hard to see that, that person that they forgave, that past version of themselves, did the best they could in the circumstances they had. And it got them to where they are now. And it's time to say, thanks, but I'm going to take the wheel now. And to see you do that and to show such, the phrase courageous vulnerability keeps coming to my mind as I talk to you. Because first of all, thank you for being so vulnerable with us and it's courageous and that courageous vulnerability, not only to share your story here, but also within yourself and to look at it and to sit with it, that's powerful. And I think that it's going to help so many people. It obviously already has, but for the person listening to this today. You can be courageously vulnerable to, and if you don't think so, you know, reach out to Justin, have a conversation. There's a link to his website in the show notes. Click it, see his story, connect with him. There's scroll down the page at the bottom. There's a big old button that says, reach out to me. Go do it. Justin, I bet you would have a big old bunch of grace for the person that reaches out to you in that way.

Justin: 24:53

Absolutely. You know, I had so many. Well, I had me to post today about my failures. I, I, I am a failure because I have failed at a million things and I've listed a lot of my failures and then some, and what I learned at a friend's, someone's like, why? I'm really happy to see how you can speak like that and be so vulnerable. It's because I hid from vulnerability for so long that it tore me out. Being vulnerable not only helps me, helps people see who I really am, but it can help others be like, okay, well, maybe I don't have to hide anymore. You know, maybe I can get rid of that man up stigma. You know, like, what does that even mean? Come on up. What does it mean? Instead of saying man up, be like, ask for help or hey, I'm here. I'm listening. And hopefully it can help encourage other people to reach out for help. So if I can do anything with my life, I hope it's encourage and empower people to reach out and just live better lives and realize that they're not alone. Justin, I would

Melissa: 26:03

say the Depth of our relationship has lasted, what, an hour, maybe, in the times that we've spent speaking with each other, texting or emailing, and in that time, I can say you've had a profound effect on me, a positive effect. That your courageous vulnerability just shines through, and if someone can be impactful in that amount of time, boy, you can do a whole lot, and I'm so glad you're here on this planet and walking this life and this earth and sharing the gifts that you had. I'm glad you donated your organs to yourself. And I think you're the best donor and the best recipient.

Justin: 26:50

Well, I, I appreciate that. Thank you very much. It's, it's a humbling feeling and I'm, I'm glad that I can impact you and, and, uh, in a good way because, you know, I never would have thought that what I'm doing was possible. I didn't think I'd make it this far. I didn't, definitely didn't think what I would, it's, it's so weird seeing people all. Like, I just, I go and be vulnerable on a post and then try to put a learning lesson at the end and people say, Oh, you're so inspiring. And it's, it's still, I don't know if it fully resonates with me, um, because I'm just trying to be me. Right. Cause I hid for me for so long, but if I can be my best me that someone else can be their best them. Tell

Melissa: 27:29

us the name of your book

Justin: 27:30

again. Uh, so it's called Chasing Shadows, Fighting the Monster Within. It's an in depth look at my life. It's It talks about suicide, it talks about the things that I've done to myself, it talks about the struggles that I've gone through, the things that I've witnessed, um, in more detail. It's broken into three parts, during alcohol, after alcohol, and in learning lessons. Um, it talks about the comebacks. It also talks about how to make change and all the difference in human needs and how I took a Tony Robbins course and that the six human needs, if one thing can meet four of those needs, that it may become an addiction for you. And that alcohol did that. It gave me so much. And I talked about it yesterday in a post that says addiction. Let me start. I'm just going to look it up real quick here. Um, addiction is giving up everything for one thing. But recovery is giving up one thing for everything. And alcohol, I thought, gave me everything. I thought it made me happy, it gave me this, it gave me that, it gave me comfort. But giving it up, you know, gave me my life, gave me my family. But I didn't just give up alcohol, I still did the work, did the counseling, did the medications. I'm not on medication anymore, but I still did all those until I was comfortable enough to get off the medication because it literally helped me to learn all those things, keep my mind. And in a healthier spot, so I could learn the natural way of doing it as well. Well, Justin,

Melissa: 29:16

thank you so much for being here today.

Justin: 29:19

I appreciate that. Thank you very much.